Just call me aunt Faith...

Tomorrow is the big day! My sister is having her baby and we are heading up there around 8am! I'm super super excited! And I'm very excited!

If you could keep my sister, Hannah, in your prayers that would be great!



-Faith

I think...

Someone should comment on something!!!!!!!!!!!

-love always Faith

This is me just being selfish...so don't waste your time reading it.

I find myself lonely. It's Christmas eve...tomorrow is Christmas...only for me it will be just another day. We had out Christmas last week and had planned on going to TN to be with my dads mom on Christmas...although its a hard trip and not much fun at all...I was looking forward to it. Or at least...it was something to do. But because of the ice we could not go. And now I sit here just like I did yesterday lonely, but only because I made myself that way.
For one I'm frustraded at my dad. I like to take walks with my mp3 player to get out of the house and have some time to myself without being locked in my room. He won't let me go by myself...which is kind of the whole point. Its so annoying that he treats me like I'm 5 and won't trust me with anything...but then gets mad at me when I'm finding a way to entertain myself - being silly and laughing with Daivd. He doesn't care to hear what I have to say or about my life...hes just concerned about his theology blog on his laptop, which is a "great ministery"-mom. Well it was great until it became more important than his family (in my opinion)...(which doesn't count for anything)
I could go on about everyone and complain all day. Truth is I just want out of here but there is no where to go....I want a friend right now. I want to wallow but I don't know why. And I'm so sick of feeling that way. I'm pretty sure this is the worst Christmas ever...but wait..."Last time I checked Christmas was about Jesus" -Meh.
Not me.

-selfishly living but praying to be better,
Faith

It's cold

I’m walking down the middle of this street,
And I only wish that I knew where I was going,
I might just turn around and start walking backwards,
Because either way I can’t see where this path is leading,
I’m listening but I can’t hear a thing,
Expect for the sound of my own heart beating,
I looked back feeling like I was being watched,
But to my disappointment I found no one,
It’s cold out here,
My hair is blowing in the wind,
But I won’t go back home, no,
Not until I find a friend,

So I kept on walking,
But only to find,
That I was back where I started,
And running out of time,
I stopped myself,
But the world didn’t stop too,
And even though part of me still didn’t want to be alone,
I told myself to go on home.

I've got an "I <3 ?" written on the back of my hand...

I'm not mad at anyone or hating boys or anything...this just came to me. haha. I'm weird, I know.


--watch me walk away--

Don’t just tell me the things I want to hear,
Don’t tell me that you will always be there,
Because they’re all lies,
All just lies,

Don’t tell me that you’ll catch me,
Or that you really love me,
Because they’re all lies,
All just lies,

Don’t tell me I’m the one,
And that you’ve always known
Because I don’t want to hear your lies anymore,

I used to be so sure,
You really had me fooled,
And you say you want to hold me,
You say you want to kiss me,
But then you change your mind,
And don’t want me anymore,
So watch me walk away,
I’m closing my hearts door,
And picking all the broken pieces up off the floor,

So just don’t tell me anything,
I’m so sick of all your words,
The more you say the less I can take,
And I’m done,
Watch me walk away,

All it takes is a song

I feel,
I dream,
But I don’t decide,
I lay awake with my wondering thoughts,
And sometimes I cry,
But the covers help me hide,
I’m trying to move on,
But all it takes is a song,

So many tears,
And if He didn’t catch them all in a bottle,
I’m sure that we’d all drown,

Another year has gone away,
So much has changed,
Yet I still stand here in the same place,
And I still long to be held by someone who will never let go,
But when will he find me?
Sometimes time seems so slow,

Day by day,
Someone always has something to say,
And behind the smile on my mouth,
There are words that will never come out,
Yes, I’ve found a state of mind where I’m speechless,
And some things are all wrong,
But I don’t change them much,
Cause like I said -all it takes is a song

The wind against the leafs go "crunch crunch crunch"

As I lie here in my bed tonight,
I’m secretly waiting for someone to come,
I hold on to this hope although I don’t know who it will be,
I hear the wind against the leafs outside -they go “crunch crunch crunch”
I wonder if they’re footsteps,
Oh for so long I’ve been waiting,
I start to wonder if it really could be happening,
Is he finally coming?
But yet again I realize to myself,
This dream is still just a dream,
And the only thing I hear outside is wind against the leafs,
I tell myself “just go to sleep”
Maybe this dream if for another night,
But these thoughts still lingering don’t die down for quite sometime,
It’s dark, it’s cold, and I am still alone,
But patiently again I wait.




Working with symbolizm gets to you....lol

-Faith

Its changing for the better finally...mostly.

So all these stupid feelings that I've had about this guy are better now. We finally talked...he messaged me. And I was like praying that he would. I mean we always said no matter what we'd still be friends...but I felt like he didn't want anything to do with me. And then I started thinging...if that part was crap, what else that he said was crap? and that hurt. But it turns out that he though I didn't want anything to do with him and he didn't want to try to talk to me if I didn't want him. He is a sweet guy. I never told yall that. We had both been hurting so much, and now that we talked about it we really can have some kind of friendship now. Yes, its going to be hard to guard my heart. Because of course there are still feelings...and plans/day dreams I remember. But I'm finally getting to that place where its okay...I mean I can see all the other guys around me, and although I don't want anything more than friendship, I know that thinking I couldn't see myself with another guy was stupid. Although I still have some feelings for him, I can see how wrong "us" was. So much doesn't work between us. Hes a good guy though.

I have a duet to sing tomro. I'm so disappointed because I can hardly talk because I'm still sick. I had never been more excited about singing! and now I doubt I'll be able to. I'm really sad. I'm praying that by some chance the Lord will give me my voice back tomro...but I don't know. I just hope either way He'll be glorified.

I'm gonna head to bed!
goodnight! :)

Things are so up and down...

if you are reading these you probably hate me. haha. I wish "get over it" was as easy done as it is to say. Its so weird how one message that you've actually been praying for can change so many things. Its so weird that not knowing how someone feels can totally change the way you feel when you find out what that person feels.
Girls are so stupid and annoying. I hate clicks and drama. Actually I hate when all people are stupid and say stupid things. It doesn't matter if you are a girl or a boy. haha.
I don't mean to sound like I'm never stupid...because I have my moments. (A lot)
But it seems to me if we were all just a little less stupid...life would be easier. I don't think people realize how their stupidness affects the other people around them. I mean, this is something I have to watch as well. I tend to ramble about nothing for a long time...weird.

The TAFA showcase was awesome. I know I say this every year, but this year was the best so far. And I can't wait till may...i'll be doing 5 dances! (at least!!!) <3
It was on Tuesday night, and a ton of people I love came to see me! it was greatness! Then I went to Ci Ci's (worst food ever) but I still had a ton of fun because I got to hang out with all my friends.

Its hard right now though...because at tafa all the sudden I don't know who my real friends are. All of my "best friends" are not really there anymore. And that sucks. And I don't know what happend. Everyone keeps leaving....ouch. Whats wrong with me? ..I start to wonder. And then I just have to push on, keep going, and remember God is in control and I can only try.

-Faith

Some say these are the hardest days of my life...

Others say it only gets harder. Although I would much rather believe the first one-I still find myself fearing "it only gets harder." Either way I find myself in tears and always praying. I start to feel guilty sometimes...like I ask too much of God. But praying to Him so much beings me closer to Him. I start feeling like there is no one there. I mean, I know I am not perfect, but I feel like I try really hard to be there for my friends, but then when I can't be the strong one anymore....everyone's too busy to have time for me. Now of course there are people that are there for me, and would happily come aid me if they had the chance. But most don't have an opertunity. Before I go on I have to explain - for months really I've been longing to just have someone to cry with. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. But the few times there was someone there I just couldn't let myself break down. So of all times guess when I couldn't hold it in any longer? Tuesday morning at my 9a-1p practice at tafa. So much stupid drama with friends and having to see "him" way too much two days stait. I felt myself breaking down...I needed to cry...I wanted to cry. I went to the bathroom ...the tears would not come. I went to sit where I was supposed to be and my friend Caitlin sat by me...I leaned over, hid my face, and started to cry. She started to rub my back and the tears just came down. I felt so stupid just because I knew people could see me...I tried my best to hid my face, but a few people did ask questions. If it were up to me I would have sat there and cried on her for a lot longer, but I didn't feel like explaining myself to the other people asking questions so I stopped. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't know what to feel. And I'm so sick of crying and not knowing why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know what to do about it. And its all just so confusing because we agreed to be friends, but we never talk, and I don't know if he even wants me to talk to him, and I don't know if I should ask him. Its so hard. Last night after showcase I was sitting at a table between two guys and I saw him over there...we met eye contact so I'd like to think he was looking at me...but then I felt so guilty. And I wonder if he thinks that I feel fine about all of this. I wish he knew how hard it was for me. All day long I've just been wishing he would message me on facebook or something. I just want to know whats going through his head. Should I stop trying to talk to him? or should I try harder? and I try to have a "whatever" attitude about it, but I just can't. Its not my personality. I try to just let it go, but I need to know. And then at the end of the night this girl was talking about how her and a few other girls were talking about how this other guy likes me and I was like "no! stop" and I just wanted to cry. WHY do people have to mess things up? I don't want people to start talking about some guy liking me! hes one of my friends and I enjoy being around him and I don't want people to feakin mess that up. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE! and I don't know how much longer I can freakin be around them. And I'm so blessed and I have a great like and great friends and showcase was AWESOME and I've been having so much fun with people. But its just still so hard. And its hard to not know which friends are real and which ones don't care. And its hard when you have to go places were you know you don't have any girl friends and you are pmsing. And its hard when people tell you that you should just not have guy friends at all because there will always be drama WHEN THATS ALL YOU HAVE at some places. I mean I can't control who God puts in my life and who He takes away. At church I have NO girls friends my age. They are all guys. And for people to tell me thats wrong makes me mad. Even though I love them sometimes I hate it that its like that. Its hard to always be the only girl in the group! And its all so hard and no one understands and I can't explain myself. My dad is just mean sometimes ...and I know i'm a teenager and every teenager doesn't like their parents. But I'm not like that. I love my parents...but my dad just asks like he doesn't care a whole lot and so when he does act like he cares its so condisending. And I'm SO SO SO sick of mixed messages and not knowing. And I'm such a girl. And I'm sick right now on top of everything. I have to sing in choir on Friday and Sunday and I can hardly talk. I have class tomro morning and I can hardly breath and I feel awful and I can't stop crying. And people want to know whats wrong with me AND I don't know!!! I have everything. But it hurts. It hurts and its hard. And I'm so tired of hard. And I'm sick of hurting. And I pray and I sing and I dance to God and I ask Him to give me strength, but sometimes I still feel so alone. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want the only time I'm happy to be when I'm destracted from the pain. I don't want to feel bad or fight apathy.

-Faith

It still hurts, and I hate it

I want and try to be strong...but I'm not. I have to fight apathy all day, and everytime I see him I just want to cry. It sucks. I miss talking to him and his friendship, but these feelings won't go away. I want my emotions and dreams to catch up with reality. I have such a good life...so I hate feeling this way. I looked really hott tonight though when I saw him. haha.


This is for a friend- shes having a tough time right now :(
i write what I feel and also what I see other people feeling...and on that note-


I’m sad,
I’m empty and broken,
Someone please hold me,
But only if you won’t ever let go,
These tears keep falling,
Will there ever be an end?
I’m living,
But I can’t feel the days I’m in,
Too much has happened,
Too much time wasted,
How can I forgive?
How can I be patient?
So many words,
Now I don’t know which were actually real,
Don’t know who to believe, who to trust,
Don’t know what to feel,
Wishing I could forget,
But at the same time wishing things could have stayed at the same pace,
What if things had never changed?
But its time to move on,
To keep living my life,
But sometimes it’s hard and I have to let myself break.


--dec. 5th--

I wake up every morning,
Reminded again,
Praying my dreams catch up with reality,
And I can see that laziness is the same as apathy,
That’s the war inside I’ve been fighting,
Now everyone around me is trying to tell me how to live,
And what to feel,
“Just leave me alone”
I try to shut out the world,
But I’m scared to be alone,
I want someone to hold me and never let me go,
I’m trying so hard to forget,
But everything reminds me,
And you make it look so easy to move on,
I’m sick of and tired of mixed messages,
I’m not that kind of girl that sits and plays the guessing game,
I’m going back to what I know,
Going forward with what I’ve learned from you,
And I know its gonna be hard to leave you behind,
But I’m done not being strong enough,


--dec. 6th--

I’m being held up so high on such a breakable thread,
I needed to hear so many things that were left unsaid,
I’m lost but I’m hopeful,
I’m stubborn and wrong,
And I’m hardly wining in the war against apathy,
I’m not sick but I don’t feel good,
But there is so much pressure to be strong and always act happily,
I can’t let the world see,
They just wouldn’t understand,
And I will not change myself,
Won’t someone take me as I am?
I try so hard to be good enough,
But I never come close,
Now its time to grow up,
Move on,
And keep living my life,
Just hope my emotions and dreams catch up with reality soon





-they are kinda the same.
Faith

Boys are stupid...

Sometimes I start shaking and can't stop and then I get a really bad headache. This means that I have been crying to much, and then my mothers pushes a pill down my throat.
...yeah, its been a hard last few days. haha. I would explain it all to you, but I wouldn't know where to start, or what to put in the middle, or even how to end it. My english teacher has us start each essay out with a UTS (Universal theme statement) My life's UTS for this week is "Boys are stupid, and few are worthy and mature enough for my friendship. Although many are encouraging brothers in Christ-even more are stupid." How do you think my teacher would react if I started an essay out that why? lol. Its been hard because everything is just on top of everything else. You see, with my stubborn personality, I hate feeling things that I don't want to feel. Plus I feel like I have to be strong all the time for everyone around me. "Faith, you haven't been yourself lately." Everyone - EVERYONE freaks out if I'm "not okay" for a few days. I mean, I guess I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I'm hurting. I'll work on that?....So yeah, just keep me in your prayers and I love you all.

"You are my hiding place, and I will trust in You"

-Faithy

"What are you thankful for?"

A year ago from today- I was on a very hard diet. I could not eat gluten, corn, or dairy of any kind. When you take all of that away ...there is not much left. Also, I still didn't get much sleep.


Two years ago from today- I was in a wheelchair. I could not walk and worst of all I could not dance. I did not sleep...at all. I can't remember laughing much either. I cried myself to sleep every night. I prayed a lot.


Today-I'm dancing better than ever. I can sleep any where, any time. I can eat whatever I want to. I laugh more than I talk. I still cry, but not every night. And I still pray a lot.


Over the last few days I've been asked by a lot of different people, who have come into my life at a lot of different times- "what are you thankful for?"
I am thankful for the list of "Today - " And all of the other things I take for granted every day. I am also thankful for the first two list. It is because of those first two list that I can be truely thankful for the third one. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is when I learned how merciful God really is. I am thankful for my family and all of the sacrifices they made/make for me. I am thankful for my friends and all of the encouragement they gave/ give me. I am thankful for my church family and all of the prayer that they prayed for me. And most of all-I am thankful for the love of my Father in heaven.
p.s. I am thankful for pie.

I wish I would have read that a few months ago....

I just read the last two chapters of "I kissed dating goodbye" and the first three chapters of "Boy meets girl" - both by Joshua Harris. I'm wonder why I didn't read those last two chapters a few months ago. Maybe just maybe it would have opened my eyes a little more. And knowing that this guy HAD ALREADY read those chapters makes it even worse. So I've cried, I've gone from wanting him back to not caring at all, and now I'm going through the anger part. haha. Its just...he started this. He knew how I felt about "relationships" (I don't do them [right now[ ) anyways, so he knew how I felt about all of that and yet he still pushed and flirted and I was strong for awhile and then I just gave in. And it was great for months and we made all these plans and I tried so many times to slow it down because we didn't agree on some theology but then he said "we'd figure it out later" which now I see was him (even if he didn't mean to) just waiting till I would drop my beliefs for him, and then when it got to hard he changed his mind but did he tell me? no! I had to be the one to oficially end it because he wouldn't man up and do it himself! And I'm glad is over and I can see how wrong it really was and how we really were not meant to be and we never did do anything I really regret. I have learned a lot from it, and I can honestly see after writing this that its ME I'm mad at. I'm mad that I gave in and that I became that kind of girl and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel those things and I'm mad that I fell apart when it was all over and I'm mad that I'm mad at myself because everyone has to go through this...there is really no getting around it... unless you are perfect like Jesus. AND NOW! oh guess what!? there is another guy who is messaging me at least once every day and always commenting on everything that has to do with me on facebook and flirting a whole lot and it feels so wrong. And I've told him that I don't date and am not interested so there is nothing else I can really do (don't get me wrong he is a great guy) but it feels so wrong! I honestly feel like I'm cheating on the other guy or something (and let me just say we were never even actually together!!!!) So its all very annoying and it makes it very hard to write and I hate feeling this way so its kinda driving me crazy. I remember how I felt about all this "dating" stuff just a few months ago....and now its all change and I wish I could just go back knowing what I know now. But then I think about it...would I really change anything?

I though about going to bed early....

I love friends. They are truely one of the biggest blessings from God ever. I've had a lot of emotions this weekend. And I had a couple of friends that were just there for me so I could get them out. Thankfully it was over facebook so they couldn't see me cry or my face turn red when I got angry or see how I was making myself laugh with things that were not funny at all. haha. I've been listening to "All That Matters" by Addison Road. Its an awesome song. Look it up. So its late...actually its early..in the morning...1am. So I'll update more soon this week. :)

-Faith

Cold weather and Christmas music

...put me in a good mood. lol.

I've been wanting to update many times the last few days but there are so many words floating around in my head that I don't know which ones are even worth writing about. So here is a question for you....why is the right thing to do always the hardest thing to do? or at least it seems that way. I have so many questions to ask but they all start with "why?" so instead I'll just keep ignoring them. lol. I don't know "why" its this way, but when there are so many things I'm thinking about its very hard for me to write. They all start mixing together and then it doesn't make sense even to me. I've tried to write poems the last few days and nothing that I would ever let anyone read has come. I've been happy though. I've been feeling so much peace. You know that feeling when you are just SO thankful its just overwhelming? Our God is SO good! And He has the whole world in His hands. He knew from the beginning of time that He was going to save me! He knew that He would take Faith Brown from the pit of death and bring Her with Him to life forever. This life gets hard and this world brings so much pain but His goodness and glory and grace just makes it all so much better. And you know what? This is not my home! And I don't have the power to save people! Only God can. It brings so much sorrow to see those I love either not believing or maybe they believe but they don't have the same comfort I have just because of how they believe. BUT I CAN'T MAKE THEM! HIS WILL WILL BE DONE! I'm so blessed. God has blessed me with so many amazing people in my life! If you are reading this then you are one of those people that I daily thank God for you! and thats not enough either. Oh and you know what else?? I"M GOING TO BE AN AUNT TWICE THIS YEAR! yes! One of my AMAZING sisters in Christ is going to have a baby :) :) :) :) :)! and My sister, Hannah, is due in less than Two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE LITTLE KIDS! Especially the ones at my church :)

I love yall :)
And I'll try to update more later

-Faith

part two

Some more things poped into my head ...
Hearing people yell makes me want to yell.
Some day when I'm rich I'm going to pay someone to walk around with me and play with me hair. It feels so good. haha.
I had way to many "did I just say that out loud?" moments today.
Most of the time being too tired to do something is just in your head. Example - Today I did really well in pointe and could have danced for another hour, and most every other week I was "too tired to do pointe full out." Its a mind set.
Seeing one of my friends sad makes me sad.
I'm one of those people that will randomly start laughing about something that happend last week.
Jillians hair smelled really good today.
I should really think before I talk.
Today I said "these pants make me hot" ...meaning that between the heater being on in the dance room and wearing long pants it was really hot in there. Everyone around me just thought I was being full of myself though. lol.
Everytime I see Karissa Romine I think of cowboy boots, and thats just messed up ;) (inside joke)
All the vincent girls are just amazing. the end.
Sometimes guys are stupid.
It's hard to tell what a person is really saying or meaning over facebook.
I'm actually totally over this stupid situation I'm in. I'm so "whatever" about it.
The laptop got left at TAFA today...they say its my fault even though I didn't know I was suppost to get it.
I'm tired.
There was some hard stuff today, but over all it was a good day and I had fun.
Laughing is my favorite, and I love people that make me laugh.
I love Jesus.

-Faith

I had a much better day today

I had a very good day working at the best job ever. I'm actually getting quite good at it too, which is always a good thing. lol.I have the best bosses in the whole wide world. Not only are they good to me as their worker, but they're the best friends ever too.I get the cutest clothes there.I have the best family in the world. At times I get selfish and want nothing to do with them, but there love and care keeps me going.I have the best friends ever. I really don't know what I'd to without yall. Talking to you guys just heals my soul. Thank you.I'm blessed with the most amazing church ever. How many people get to have a wonderful church family and amazing teaching every week? not many. I do though. Thank you God.I have a savior. He brought me to life when I was dead in sin. I owe my life to Him. Sometimes when I'm alone at night my room just seems so dark. I get scared. Then I realize I'm not alone and it doesn't seem so dark in there anymore.Life gets hard sometimes, but He makes me stong. His word is life to me.I find so much joy in my little best friends ages 0-6. If I could I would spend every day just playing with them. And I would hold them all the time if they'd let me.I would sing Kate Lyrene to sleep every night if I could. Once a week is just not enough.Nothing has ever excited me more then the thought of Baylie Grace. Every time I see Hannah she's glowing and it makes my day.I love to dance. You have no idea.Singing is how I talk to God most of the time.I write everything down. EVERYTHING. I even make myself write down the stuff I want so badly to forget.I laugh more than I talk, and thats hard because I talk a whole lot.I hate when I cry, but I do it a lot.For me, the hard part is not doing the right thing...it's figuring out what the right thing is.I'm soooo random sometimes.I LOVE Taylor Swift.My brothers really are my best friends. Even though we fight a lot and most of the time its my fault.I wish everyone could have my parents, because they really are the best.I wish I wasn't so selfish.I'm really silly sometimes, and yall should just learn to slap me for it when I get over the top. (only my face would be really red all the time)Do you ever stop at a red light, look over at the person in the car next to you, and wonder about them? or is that just me?I love to go on walks. It doesn't matter how the weather is. It could be freezing, raining, snowing, or buring hot.(Do I sound like a mail man?) Most of the time the only problem is finding someone to go with me. (my daddy won't let me go by myself)I LOVE BOBA TEA, and I love everyone that brings it to me- at work especially.This was very very very very random. If you actually made it through and read the whole thing you must love me or something. haha.

I LOVE YALL!!!!!!!

-Faith :)

Laughter and tears

So much for my last post...it makes me laugh just thinking about how many times I've cried since then, and that was what...two days ago? lol.
Yesterday (Thursday) I was surprised by how well I was doing. I mean, I was able to go all day without crying even though there is so much hard stuff going on. And over all I was just happy. It was a good day. And then it got dark, and My dad started yelling...I did something wrong...I'm not really sure what it was this time, but I'm sure he had a reason. My brothers either won't just leave me alone or they act like they don't care about me at all. My best friend wouldn't text me back. I felt so alone and tired sitting on my bed in the dark, but I couldn't fall asleep. I started to cry. Soon I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I layed there for an hour before I could fall asleep. My pillow case is just gross. It's got make up and tear stains. There were a ton of people I knew I could text even though it was almost midnight, but I decided I'd be fine after I let some tears fall. I wrote some peomes there in the dark, I'll work on them and typ them up and post some maybe. As long as they are not too depressing. Yall don't need to worry about me...I'm fine, and I will be. Life is just confusing and hard right now. You can pray for me. Yeah, that would be great. But I don't need anyone to worry about me. I'm 15...I'm just going through things every other 15 year old girl goes through.
I just have this awful feeling of "EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" but at the sametime I just need someone to be with me. I want to go over to my friend Mychals house and just cry with her and listen to music and let her play with me hair, but shes out of town. So tonight again, I'll cry alone in the dark. Then I'll fall asleep and wake up feeling fine. I'll go to work and have a good day with Emily, and then come home tired. Sunday I'll go to church - more than likey something will make me cry. Either a song we sing or something the pastor says. Then I'll find the most joy I've had all week playing with all my best little friends. Then I'll spend the night with Liz and we'll talk and who knows what and I won't cry alone that night. :). And it will prepare me for the very hard day ahead of me that I'm dreading where I have to see "him." And its still not over by the way. We are still both confused. Life is fun, ain't it? lol.
I love yall. No ones commenting so I don't really know if anyone is reading this stuff....but I'm writing it for ME anyways. lol.

-Faith

Gilmore girls and tears during history class

As one of my best friends said "I pms even when I'm not pmsing" lol.
So this morning during History I randomly just started crying. Thankfully my History class is only my mom and brothers. I was not really sure why or what was happening...sure, I had a few reasons to cry, but I couldn't figure out which one was bring the tears. I took a hot bath and drank some hot tea. My legs hurt so freakin much from dance. As I sat in the bath tub and enjoyed the smell of the bubles-I decided I was not going to let myself be sad anymore. Yes, I have to cry sometimes, but I can't let every little thing get me down. I've got to live my life. I'm the girl everybody tells "you are always laughing and you always seem so happy" I don't know who this sad person is thats been trying to take over my life, but I'm through with that person.

Gilmore girls. Oh, I love this show. Not only is it very very funny and a good show to watch no matter what mood you're in, but also its great to know there are people out there that are just as stupid and stupid..er than you. lol. But there are also good things to learn from the show...even though it is only a tv show and half the show is them making bad choices and sleeping around with whatever guy is in there life at the moment. [don't worry, I know right where the skip button is, and I use it :)]In the first season Rory and her first boy friend Dean break up. She gets a box and puts all the stuff he gave her and all the stuff that reminds her of him in it. Now, I've never had a boy friend, and I've never been through a break up, but whatever I'm going through is kinda close. I didn't have a box, but I found a American Eagle bag (which is really ironic, if you knew him you would understand lol) and I put everything he gave me in it, and put it on the top shelf of my closet. Now, I have not even talked to him for over a week, and I know that doesn't seem very long, but it seems like forever to me. But all this time a part really has me thinking and the things my mother tells me about boys is making sense now. So I'm not really sure when I'll talk to him again or what I'll say when I do, but I'm gonna play it by ear and go with the flow, and be me. I LOVE LIFE! AND I LOVE MY FRIENDS! AND I"M SOOOOOOOO BLESSED!

-Faith

P.S. to the last post

I finished two song
this first one is inspired by Taylor Swift ....lol.


-15-


I got stuck feeling the way they told me not to,
I didn’t mean for it to end up this way,
It just ended up this way,
And there’s not much I can say,
I’m just trying to learn from my mistakes,
This life is full of lessons,
And they’ve got to learn to let me clean up my own messes,



(chorus)
I’m 15,
And I’m longing for love,
I’m way behind in homework,
But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,
And I’ve got to decide on all these choices
Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,
And all I can hear are there voices,
Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,


There are love stories floating around in my head,
And I’m wishing they were my own,
I’m staring at the phone,
I say I don’t want this,
I don’t need this,
I just want to be me,
And then I see you and forget everything,



(chorus)
I’m 15,
And I’m longing for love,
I’m way behind in homework,
But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,
And I’ve got to decide on all these choices
Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,
And all I can hear are there voices,
Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,


Well it took me long enough to realize,
And you’re begging me not to go,
But we’re 15,
And these years may seem slow,
But they’re passing by,
And I don’t need another reason to cry,
Something I guess you’ve realized,
I’m just not like everybody else,



And I’m 15,
I’m not ready for love,
I’ve had my fill of homework,
And as for fast food well I’ve had enough,
And I’m starting to hate all these choices,
Even though everybody is longing for change,
I want to silence all those voices,
Myself is not something I’m willing to change


...second one -

- Won't let them -


The sadness tries to cover up the happiness,
The pain tries to take over the joy,
But I won’t let it,
No, I won’t let it,

Who has time for apathy?
When there is so much out there for us to see,
And no one ever said this life would be easy,
But I won’t let the hardness win,
No, I won’t let it,

They say that I laugh too much,
And sometimes I’m just too loud,
I feel like I just don’t know when to shut up,
I cry every time it hurts, I’ve found
But I won’t let them get me down,
No, I won’t let them,

Then there are those days that I have so much to say,
But won’t open my mouth for anything,
And they’re all asking what’s wrong with me,
And I just want to be left alone,
Everyone keeps calling but I just won’t pick up that phone,
So on those days I won’t let them tell me how to be,
No, I won’t let them,
you'll see.




-Faith

Choices and Taylor Swift

So these hard choices in life are starting to make me crazy. Its like...I know I have to walk away from something, but I don't want to. And then I talk myself into it and I want to and then I chicken out. And I feel this way but I can't say it. There are all these words in my head and I try to write them down, but they don't fit together because they are all about different things-so I have about 5 unfinished poems. I've been planing for a few months now that on 11/11 I would go to Target and get the new Taylor Swift cd (because thats the first day it comes out). Well I got it and I love it. One of the reasons I love Taylor Swift so much is because its like she wrote her songs for me. And I know that every other girl thinks that too, but she inspires me, and when I can't write I listen to her because the words she already wrote are the way I feel. I don't have regrets, but there are somethings I would do different if I had the chance. But then there are those things that if I was going to regret something it would be it and I wouldn't change it for the world. Weird huh? Yes. I'm weird. Yesterday one of my friends told me - "Faith you're so weird...oh wow you have beautiful eyes!...weirdo" haha. This made me laugh. I like be weird. I like who I am...or who I used to be. But it seems like I haven't been myself lately and its making me not enjoy life the way I should. A day goes by, and its gone. I hate this feeling of apathy that I let myself feel sometimes. But I don't know how to go back to the person I was...how can I change myself? Some of these changes are good. So maybe the answer is not changing myself, but making myself better. As Taylor Swift says - "I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale"
Sometimes life is just so wonderful you want to cry because you're scared it'll end and you'll never feel the same. And then sometimes its just so hard you want to cry. Either way you cry...because you're a girl. lol. I'm gonna feel the days I'm in, and if I need to cry I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna laugh way to much and way to loud like I always do and not hold back. I'm 15. I'm not ready for love, sick of drama, and can't stand anymore fastfood or homework. This is life. This is me. I don't want to be anyone else, and if I could change myself I wouldn't know where to start. Thank goodness for Christ and His love and His grace. I'm happy. I really am. I just need a place to fall apart, and sense I can finally realize that Ruth no longer cares to be my friend without breaking down in tears...this place happends to be it.

-Wrote this this morning-

As I get ready to face another day,
I realize I've already started to walk away,
And as hard as it is I see that I'll be okay,
I can hear the rain outside my window,
Sounds like someone's running,
Running by,
I'd ask them to stay and sit with me,
But it's just the rain,
Just the rain,
And I hate this feeling of apathy,
But it keeps away the pain,
I wonder if someone's there,
No, it's just the rain,
I'm running out of time,
Got to make time for make up,
I guess it was to late when I decided to wake up,
The apathy is gone,
And the tears come streaming down,
But you can't tell cause I'm standing in the rain,
And the rain drops cover up the pain that drops,
Drops from my eyes,
I didn't want to admit it cause I didn't want to cry,
But to cry is just apart of life.



HIS
-Faith

Another poem

Few know about this blog...simply for the reason I write really personal stuff I don't want to share with just anyone. Actually I wouldn't mind sharing everything I write with the world, but I'm a little scared of rejection I guess, or I decide they wouldn't want to read it anyways. So this is for the few people that I truely trust,
here is a look inside my heart.

Nov. - 3- 08


I’m longing for a hug,
Yet yelling “please do not touch me”
I want everyone to just leave me alone,
Yet I hate being alone with every fiber in my being,
I can’t figure out how I got here,
But I’ve realized looking is not seeing,
I’d like someone to come,
But I could not bear to see them leaving,

Please, won’t someone push through?
Don’t listen to me,
I’m just confused,

Some of this seems familiar,
Like I’ve been here before,
But I still don’t know how to handle it,
Or if I should even bother walking out that door,

I have so much to say,
But I cannot get the words to come,
I try, and mess it up,
But in my heart I came in love,

I’m speaking,
I’m getting loud,
Yet no one ever hears me,
It’s like I stopped breathing,
Can you hear my heart pound?
Another thing just hit me,

Everything thing around me maybe falling down,
But I stand strong on this solid ground,

-Faith <3

Very sad day :(

A few days ago I found out that one of my best friends mom's has cancer. Today I found out it spread a lot and is a lot worse than they thought. As my friend, Ben, was telling me this I almost started to cry. It made me very scared too. I mean, tomorrow I could wake up to hear that my mother has cancer. How very sad that my 15 year old friend is living in fear of loosing his mother. Although both he, and his mother are Christians its still very sad.

Also I had to blow off teenage drama with those girls that I was talking about in the last post. I'm not one for going along with the drama...I just blow it off and say "whatever," but it gets so overwhelming sometimes. Life is hard sometimes. I don't know why I'm in this depressed phase of writing...its just the way it is.

I wrote this last week -

I’m just one girl,
Just one in this world,
It’s easy to give up, turn around, and go home,
Feeling jaded and all alone,
It’s harder to do the right thing,
To live my life to serve my king,
Why do I always have to make it about me?
Question after question,
Some things will never change,
To some people this life is just a game,
But for me it’s so much more,
Jesus was knockin’ on my hearts door,
But on my side there was no handle to let Him in,
He had to break through,
That just makes my head spin,
And suddenly I’m filled with peace,
I want to dance for Him,
I want to give Him everything,
Right now nothing else matters,
I’m just one girl,
But I don’t belong to this world,
It can try to leave my heart in pieces,
But I trust in my Jesus



One of my friends revised it and is writing music to it. His copy is a lot better haha so I'll post it when its done.
Thanks for caring about me...who ever is reading this.

~Faith

I've tried to update twice :/

But it wouldn't let me!!



Okay, so here I am a few months later - and so much has changed. I haven't been making time to do my writing, but I've realized no matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. It's like something is always weighing on me...so why not just stay up and get some writing done? It's been my answer to everything. "Just write it down and then I'll figure it out" but now its not that easy. So many things are hard, and so many things make me cry, which just makes me feel weak. I don't want to let stuff bother me, and I don't want to feel like I have to fix everything. I want the people around me to just be okay for 5 minutes. My life is great, and I am so freakin blessed its not even funny...and yet I sit here and find it so easy to find something to complain about. I want to be strong and I want to fly, but I don't ever want to fall down. Thats not the way life is though....falling down IS what makes you strong. In my head this all makes perfect sense, but I'm sure to the rest of you reading this its all just a bunch of confusing words that don't really fit together.



There are people out there right now that I am very angry with. I know its wrong to be angry, but its hard to forgive when the people don't want to be forgiven. My heart breaks so easily just because of my friends, which makes the fact that I am "In Like" with this guy even scarier. Oh, these teenage years are so fun. haha.



On a happier note - I'm am in LOVE with the little kids at my church. They bring me so much joy and when they run up to me with their arms open to give me a hug my heart just melts. I wish I had time to be silly and play with them every day. My sweet Ben, Emily, Jordyn, Anna, Andrew, Megan, Kate, Tristyn, and Kai. I love them.



Tonight I had a choice to make-

1. I could have joined in with some of my best friends who happend to be gossiping,

2. I could have just turned my head and ignored it,

3. Or I could have stuck up for my brother in Christ, the person they were gossiping about.



By the grace of God I choose number 3. and honestly I'm proud of myself. It turned out to be a big thing and now two of my best friends are mad at me, but I find comfort in knowing that the Lord knows my heart and my intentions. I found it so shocking that these girls would sit in Gods house while bad mouthing their fellow member of the body of Christ. And then I had to stop and back up and make sure I wasn't judging where I had no right to judge. You see, although I made the right choice this time, there are many many many many many many (get the point?) times I do the wrong thing and make the wrong choice. All I can do is pray, and ask my friends to pray for me. I wrote a very short poem on the way home-



Pure intentions misunderstood,
Disappointed tears,
Doing the right thing in fear,
Watching the body get sick,
Heart breaking reactions stick,
Is it really better this way?
Even knowing the things I’ll have to face?
These questions will not move me





I hope to update soon, and I'm sorry if this post was depressing, but I have no time to make it happier because I need to find some chocolate.

I love you all

what fun is writing if there is no one to read what you've written?

So I used to have a blog, but I got "to busy" to keep it up. Well I'm starting a new one. I am one of those people that write anything and everything down. I go through a notebook a month. (By one of those people ...I mean the only person I know :P ) haha. Sometimes I just write my life down, and then sometimes I write random thoughts and questions down. Most of the time by writing it down I end up answering my questions myself. Then there are other times that I write my heart out on to a page...the world calls it "poetry." So this is going to be me posting ...ME. So if you want to read about my life, random thoughts and questions, poems, and especially my walk with God, this is the place to do it.

-Faith