Dear Dad,

Please don't read this. This is like my personal journal that I share with few very close girl friends. I also talk about pms quite often, and thats a topic I don't like sharing with my father much....so yeah, it'd be best if you didn't read this. Thanks.

I can live alone, yeah, i can watch the sunset on my own

Sorry is been so long, my loved ones. I've been so busy....like you don't even know. haha. But I'm finally back from all my camps and have a day at home doing more than just trying to catch up on sleep! Just so all of you know I've been doing SO much better as far as all the emotional stuff goes. Especially after camp :)
I went to Camp Agape, and Pacesetters, and I grew so much closer to God at both. I ended up being in the same group with Ruth at Pacesetters and I was so fearful of hurt through the week, but God mended our friendship through it and we are on a path of friendship again! God is so good! He has filled me with His peace and hopeless times really do end ;)
I'm finally so done with this boy. All the up and down emotions were so distracting from God and I'm done with that. And its so much easier now. I guess when I really make my mind up about something there really is no changing it. I'm just so much happier without him...and it just needs to stay that way. Its just not right...and even if it was...its not the right time for me anyway.
Today I am making dinner and a birthday cake for my good friend Jeremy because its his birthday :) Davids helping me with the cake but I'm cooking dinner all by myself. Woot woot. I'm excited.
Mychal is the best friend anyone could ever hope for.
I got a new phone and its sooooooo cute.
I love my family. Especially Baylie ;) and my brothers are still my best friends! And my mom is da bom.
I've kinda decided what I want to do when I graduate too now. I think I do want to minor in dance and major in some kinda of writing....and i really want to have a nanny job. haha.
I'm thinking about going to DBU and rooming with Mychal :D

I have a ton of poems I haven't typed up yet, but here are a few....


He led me in believe,
I followed naively,
He stopped to doubt,
I fell and shattered,
He asked to keep going,
But I could not forget,
He broke what I gave and could not get back.
Why give more to a boy of doubts?
He started again,
But I let him keep going,
Left behind I saw something glowing,
I grew closer to it,
It promised to never let go,
Then the boy came back looking to find me alone,
I felt my weakness,
Could not tell sweet smiles goodbye,
He asked what I was thinking,
I could only let out a sigh,
Inside of myself I was waiting for that glow to reappear,
“Here we go again”
Was my pitiful cry,
I care for this boy,
But I knew it was not right,
I kept praying and praying,
Then suddenly that glow filled me with light.




---written at pacesetters---

It’s the tears running down the smile on my face,
Its my head looking up with both hands raised,
Its You in my heart, Lord,
You’re my savior.

It’s the love that I feel when on me their hands lay,
When our heads are bowed down and around me they pray,
Its You in our hearts, Lord,
You’re making a change,
Come take my heart, Lord,
Because of You I’m no longer a slave,
You’re my savior,
You are the savior.

It’s the peace that I feel though the hardships been long,
It’s the trust that I have even when every things wrong,
Because of you I can love and stand strong,
Its all You,
Every part of me longs to be like You,
All the good in my heart is You.

I am yearning to know You,
Reveal Yourself please,
I am yearning to know You,
Consume every part of me,
I am yearning to know You,
I long to be with my King.
You’re my Savior,
You are the Savior,
You’re my Savior,
You are the Savior.



Comments!!!!

-Faith

Go, go, go!

sorry that i don't have time for a real update right now...maybe june. haha.

but just wanted to let everyone know -

May 11th TAFA showcase at Travis Ave. Baptist Church

May 12th Dance recital at Youth Orchestra Hall of Greater Fort Worth

May 19th Musical Extravaganza at Travis Ave. Baptist Church

All start at 7, all in Fort Worth!

sorry its been so long ....

update...hmmm.

I'm super busy. Like all the time. And although its very stressful, i like it better that way. I don't like having time to think. I don't know whats wrong with me...I do know I am one ridiculous person. lol. Prom is in two days. TWO DAYS. Every one keeps asking me if i'm excited...and I know I should be but when ever I get asked that I'm just like "yeah, whatever" and I don't know why. Now I have been feeling really bad since about Sunday, and yes, I am in bed sick right now...which is extremely stressful...since like I said...prom is in two freakin days. It also might be because I got asked, but my date had to back out at last minute. It also might be because the closest thing I ever had to some kind of "boy friend" is going with another girl. And yes, we are just friend, and no, I don't still want these feelings for him. But even though 99% of the time i deny them...they are still there. It also might be because another girl has the same dress as me. It also might be because I still have so much to do before then. There are some reasons...take your pick. Ugh. I don't know. I guess I just get so sick of pretending everything is okay, but when I stop pretending I feel so selfish because I really don't have anything to complain about. Also...I just really want to sorry for never writing about the amazing blessings that happen in my life. I really am going to make more of an effort to post about those...because really, there are so many.
I'm just confused. And I wish I wasn't. And although I'm very much the "go with the flow" kind of person...I can't help but wonder just where this flow is going sometimes.

~Faith

Trying to catch my breath

So I can't give much of an update since the last time I updated...I mean I'm pretty sure I've gone a few days without crying, which i guess you don't really notice when you aren't crying....so yeah. I'm still just hanging in there. I have amazing brothers and amazing friends, things are always changing, and I'm always on the go. I'm always behind in homework and no matter what I feel like I don't have enough free time. I take naps whenever I get the chance, but it takes me hours to fall asleep at night even though i'm always so so very tired. Chocolate is still my best friend. And homeade bobas aren't as good as Bethanys for sure.



-no title-

crickets chirp like laughter at my loneliness,
My thoughts of what I’ve done,
turn into wonders of what I’m doing and what’s to come,
some days your words are all I need,
and other days they leave me crying,
at times you are so hard to read,
or maybe I’m blinded by stupidity,
I try to take a step back,
But I’m only drawn in closer,
I’m sick and tired of being stuck,
But I can’t imagine moving either,
I’d like to stop a moment and catch my breath,
But that would give me time to think,
And I want to avoid my thoughts of regrets,
A day, a time, and crushing expectation seem to all pass so quickly,
But the emotions of my heart keep the brokenness still beating,
Another morning I wake up to face another day,
But then as I lie awake in bed,
With all the dark around me, to myself I say,
Just hold on one more time,
Patiently I’m waiting,
And I know no matter what I face each day,
I have the promise of eternal healing.

-Faithie

my never ending crazy busy life

I have a pimple between my eyes and it won't go away. I'm gone every day pretty much all day long. I'm happy if I go two days without crying. Most of the time I don't actually have a reason...i'm just so tired that that I don't even have enough energy to sleep so I cry instead. My days seem to long that I don't even know if I'll make it or not...but my weeks go by so fast that its overwhelming. Like I can't believe tomorrow is Wednesday already?!? I'm happy. My life is great. I'm so blessed. It's just that everything is so busy, I'm gone all the time, and I can't remember that last time that I wasn't tired. It doesn't help that everyone around me is falling apart. I feel like every day, every where I go, I am the shoulder to cry on. And it gets hard...because I need a shoulder to cry on too. And I know I'm selfish. But I feel like I try so hard to be there for my friends...but when I need them they have nothing left to give me. Now I get it because everyone feels the same way. Everyone feels like they have nothing left to give. Everyone is tired, busy, and hurting in some way right now. But can I just say...THANK GOD FOR THE SCROGGIN GIRLS!? :) They are amazing. Over all I'm doing great. I'm learning so much about God and His grace in my life. Its just that these days are hard and all I can do is hang on one day at a time.

-Faith

I love chocolate and naps...

I'm happy, and i've been happy the last few days. Like annoyingly happy. haha. Life hasn't stopped...I'm still getting hit every day with something new, but I guess the Lord is keeping me strong for the time being. My life is really confusing...or at least I confuse myself or it confusing me. Sometimes I wonder why I never open up to people...I mean sometimes I make stuff up to tell them when they ask just so I won't have to tell them what I'm actually feeling or going through. And then one of my friends...he sees through everything but my heart. That thing beating inside of me thats stops sometimes, but just for a second. And I'm sorry...but I like to be dramatic in my writings. I wonder what makes the things go through my head and what makes my heart feel the way it does and why I do the things I do. This is where is gets confusing. Because they all are so different. I just realized that I broke the same promise two this week. Crap. I need to go to bed. lol. Goodnight!

happy girly music!!!

I've been listening to happy girly music again! not the sad depressing breakup music!! isn't that exciting?!

thoughts of a teenage girl on meds

so i'm sick and on meds so part of me feels high, but here are some thoughts i've been thinking about....

its funny how I feel so awful and i'm sick and yet the Lord gives me the abilty to still be thankful. Thats ALL Him...of course I couldn't do it on my own.

I really don't understand how people can actually read the bible...understand what it says...and believe that they "choose" God. I mean not only does that make God so much smaller than He really is...it just doesn't fit into what the bible says. Now i'm wrong about a lot of things, and I'll be the first to admit it. But I just don't understand it. I know it doesn't matter THAT much, but I just wish everyone could realize how big God really is.

I'm so so so excited about going to prom with Ben Birdwell. I can't even believe he asked me, but I know it'll be a ton of fun. I've never not had fun with him. People keep asking me if I "like" him though...I really don't know. I mean its kinda hard to like someone when I'm trying to get over another guy. That really sucks though. But why do I have to like or not like him?


I really don't understand myself or how I feel, but what it all really comes down to is...I know that I'm here to serve and to be like Christ and that He has a purpose for all my...weirdness.
haha

I don't know why but I'm a total night person...like I always go to bed late, and I would sleep in every day if I could. But when I can't ...after awhile...I have to have a night where I can go to bed at like 9. haha

i'm a very very very random person.

i'm so mad at myself you don't even know.

1/whatever today is/09
10pm

After every time I talk to him, still I cry
But I can’t help myself, no I can’t stop myself,
I deny any lingering feelings for him,
Or at least I try,
But I know they’re there,
I hate that they’re there,

Someone new has come along,
He wants inside,
He thinks I’m strong,
But I’m so young,
And I’ve been hurt,
I bite my tongue,
But can never tell if its not enough or too much,

I’ve got no hope,
I know its over to stay,
Thats the way I want it,
But sometimes I start to miss him,
And wish that it would change,
I wonder if he knows he’s still taking from me,
Or if he ever feels the same way.

Tonight the tears are falling yet again,
And I’m feeling like I’ve got no one to talk to,
As my thoughts start to make my head spin,
So I’ll hide under the converse and try to go to sleep,
And pray that these feelings will soon end.








My life is amazing, there is so much joy, and yet I still let this get me down. ahhh. i hate this. lol.
-faith

"I have a date for prom!"

Poems have been poping in my head like raindrops in a storm. I'll be posting some soon...i just haven't had the chance to typ them up yet.

I"ve been having a great week so far :D
God is so good!

-Faith

i wrote this on a napkin...

I pass you in the hall,
We’re friends like nothing ever happened,
But I remember how it felt to fall
But I also remember the sadness,

And I can’t help but wonder if you ever wonder about me?
If you ever think about what used to be?
Or what it could have been like?
Do you regret?
Or did you learn and better your life?

I don’t understand most things,
But I know some things are just not meant to be,
And I love to dream,
But then reality hits me,
You hit me just as hard,
And I wonder when we fell apart,
Did you ever shed a tear for me?

All our time was wasted,
But we started moving on,
But do you ever stop and think of me when you hear those songs?
Because sometimes I still do,
Sometimes I wonder about you,
And I can’t help but wonder if you wonder about me…

I'm a silly stupid girl...this should make you laugh. haha.

so.....

.....haha.....

I got asked to prom!
I'm very very very excited!
The guy who asked me is very cute and such a sweetheart!
:)

Sooo....

Is it bad that its the first day and I'm already ready for the year to be over? haha. Today Sucked. It was hard. And I'm okay if I never have another day like it again. It seems like Crying in the car on the way home from TAFA is something that I do a lot. Its probably just because I'm tired most of the time. But I hate drama. I hate highschool. And I hate my own selfishness.
On top of everything I've been really discouraged because prom is coming up and I'm so excited, but... I can't help but feel like I'm gonna be on my own in the "group." I mean everyone so far that I know of is going or most likely going with a date (as friends) ...except me. And all these girls tell me that I'm a pretty girl and I have a cute laugh, and heck, even some guys tell me this. Yet I sit here watching all my friends with these guys that like them and that they like and I think to myself "I don't want that or anything to do with it yet" but really I do, and then everyone starts talking about prom...and it just makes me wonder..."Why does no one ask me?" And maybe its because I haven't slept very much, its that time of month, and I haven't had any chocolate in a while...but everytime I think about it my eyes just fill up with tears, and I don't understand. And I don't want to sound like a stupid teenage girl...but I even start to wonder "whats wrong with me?" and I know thats stupid. ANd I know that boys are stupid. But that doesn't make it any less hard.

"Its always times like these I think of you and wonder if you ever think of me"

I start to wonder if I should read more into my dreams, or if I should realize that my mind is just messing with me. Either way, I think I like day dreams better.
I know that it must seem like I talk about boys a whole lot, but since there are only a few girls that read this...its really the only time I can talk about boys. I'm really not boy crazy. I promise. Infact, thats one of the things on the "why Faith is weird" list. (Yes, there is such a thing. I'm not even kidding)
But what it all comes down to is; I don't understand them and they get on my nerves. haha. I mean even some of my best guy friends puzzel me. But I guess you have to love them anyways ;)
The list of engaged people at my church keeps growing. Its only Jan. and I know 5 couples getting married this year. haha. Its very exciting, but a little overwhelming. I mean although I couldn't be happier for my friends and that they finally got their "love story" and that they have great guys that ALMOST deserve them...I can't help think about how things will be so much different now. And I know thats just my selfishness trying to ruin things like it does best, but all of these engagement's don't help me fight for patients. And they even make me feel like I'm losing something. Now don't get me wrong. I'm very excited and I'm even going to be singing at Emily's, and I knew that these days would come...where all my best friends would marry their boy friends and start a family. I just didn't realize it would happen so soon and all of them at once. haha.
And what this post all comes down to is...I started today, and so everything is a big pmsing deal. Don't you just love it?


-Faith :D

I can't decide if I want to post this on Facebook or not...so let me know what you think.

My laughter fills the air,
But there are times that I’d rather tears,
You see me as giggly,
That’s why you don’t get me,
Or understand my seriousness,
And I try to be strong,
And be like Christ,
But that’s just another reason that I’m a failure,
And there are some people that keep taking from me,
And I’m not sure what’s left to give,
But that doesn’t stop them from taking my very heart,
And I know they’ll try to pull it apart,
I’m learning the same lessons again,
And I’m trying so hard to understand,
But I’m getting so tired,
And it gets harder and harder to stand,
I wish I could figure out who really cares,
Who to trust,
And who will disappear,
Because sometimes I feel like no ones there,
And being alone is something that I fear,
And I know I’ll learn to be strong,
And that sometimes I’ll end up wrong,
But I know the pain won’t last for long,
I know this pain won’t last for long.

-Faith

I won't be 15 for much longer...but I know most of these things wont change

I posted this awhile ago, but I edited it some and I like it better now.



--15--







I got stuck feeling the way they told me not to,

I didn’t mean for it to end up this way,

It just ended up this way,

And there’s not much I can say,

I’m just trying to learn from my mistakes,

This life is full of lessons,

And they’ve got to learn to let me clean up my own messes,



(chorus)I’m 15,

And I’m longing for love,

I’m way behind in homework,

But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,

They say "you're still young"

But I'm stubborn and I've already got my mind made up,

But I’ve got to decide on all these choices

Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,

And all I can hear are there voices,

Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,



There are love stories floating around in my head,

And I’m wishing they were my own,

I’m staring at the phone,

I say I don’t want this,

I don’t need this,

I just want to be me,

And then I see you and forget everything,



(chorus)I’m 15,

And I’m longing for love,

I’m way behind in homework,

But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,

They say "you're still young"

But I'm stubborn and I've already got my mind made up,

But I’ve got to decide on all these choices

Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,

And all I can hear are there voices,

Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,



Well it took me long enough to realize,

And you didn't stop me like I thought you would,

But we’re 15,

And its time for me to go,

These years may seem slow,

But they’re passing by,

And I don’t need another reason to cry,

Something I guess that you’ve realized,

I’m just not like everybody else,



And I’m 15,

I’m not ready for love,

I’ve had my fill of homework,

And as for fast food well I’ve had enough,

They say "you're growing up"

But my minds all jumbled up,

And I’m starting to hate all these choices,

Even though everybody is longing for change,

I want to silence all there voices,

Myself is not something that I’m willing to change,

Something they've got to realize,

I'm just not like everybody else.

I hate it when I don't feel good...yet have no reason why. It seems to be the only time I write a lot though. Nothing happened to me, but I don't feel good. Yes, I could blame it on pms...infact, thats more than likely what it is. But really, my own selfishness makes me want to barf sometimes.
I find myself wondering what I want to do after highschool. I've made plans..somewhat...but I don't really know. For me its not that I don't know what I want to do...its that I want to do everything and I can't choose. Life would be so much easier if God just told me what to do. haha. And I know His will will be done...I just have to figure out what that is.

its late and I have nothing worth any value to say...
sooo- goodnight all

-Faith

sometimes he brings rain on my sunny days...

Its one of those days where thinking about you is like rain on a sunny day,
Why do you rain on my sunny days?
When reality hits, it hits hard,
No matter how many times its hit before,
And there are those songs that I just can’t listen to anymore,
They just make me hurt so much,
Sometimes my stomach still gets that weird feeling,
Its something I used to love,
But I don’t like to remember,
Do you even remember?
I don’t know what to believe,
Not anymore, no not anymore,
And I know sometimes its okay,
And we can still be friends,
But some days it starts to hurt all over again,
I get so sick of crying, but those days it just feels so good,
And I’m done waiting,
I’ve got no more hope for “someday”
But I’m fine,
I just keep living my life one day at a time,
But sometimes he brings rains on my sunny days,