thoughts of a teenage girl on meds

so i'm sick and on meds so part of me feels high, but here are some thoughts i've been thinking about....

its funny how I feel so awful and i'm sick and yet the Lord gives me the abilty to still be thankful. Thats ALL Him...of course I couldn't do it on my own.

I really don't understand how people can actually read the bible...understand what it says...and believe that they "choose" God. I mean not only does that make God so much smaller than He really is...it just doesn't fit into what the bible says. Now i'm wrong about a lot of things, and I'll be the first to admit it. But I just don't understand it. I know it doesn't matter THAT much, but I just wish everyone could realize how big God really is.

I'm so so so excited about going to prom with Ben Birdwell. I can't even believe he asked me, but I know it'll be a ton of fun. I've never not had fun with him. People keep asking me if I "like" him though...I really don't know. I mean its kinda hard to like someone when I'm trying to get over another guy. That really sucks though. But why do I have to like or not like him?


I really don't understand myself or how I feel, but what it all really comes down to is...I know that I'm here to serve and to be like Christ and that He has a purpose for all my...weirdness.
haha

I don't know why but I'm a total night person...like I always go to bed late, and I would sleep in every day if I could. But when I can't ...after awhile...I have to have a night where I can go to bed at like 9. haha

i'm a very very very random person.

i'm so mad at myself you don't even know.

1/whatever today is/09
10pm

After every time I talk to him, still I cry
But I can’t help myself, no I can’t stop myself,
I deny any lingering feelings for him,
Or at least I try,
But I know they’re there,
I hate that they’re there,

Someone new has come along,
He wants inside,
He thinks I’m strong,
But I’m so young,
And I’ve been hurt,
I bite my tongue,
But can never tell if its not enough or too much,

I’ve got no hope,
I know its over to stay,
Thats the way I want it,
But sometimes I start to miss him,
And wish that it would change,
I wonder if he knows he’s still taking from me,
Or if he ever feels the same way.

Tonight the tears are falling yet again,
And I’m feeling like I’ve got no one to talk to,
As my thoughts start to make my head spin,
So I’ll hide under the converse and try to go to sleep,
And pray that these feelings will soon end.








My life is amazing, there is so much joy, and yet I still let this get me down. ahhh. i hate this. lol.
-faith

"I have a date for prom!"

Poems have been poping in my head like raindrops in a storm. I'll be posting some soon...i just haven't had the chance to typ them up yet.

I"ve been having a great week so far :D
God is so good!

-Faith

i wrote this on a napkin...

I pass you in the hall,
We’re friends like nothing ever happened,
But I remember how it felt to fall
But I also remember the sadness,

And I can’t help but wonder if you ever wonder about me?
If you ever think about what used to be?
Or what it could have been like?
Do you regret?
Or did you learn and better your life?

I don’t understand most things,
But I know some things are just not meant to be,
And I love to dream,
But then reality hits me,
You hit me just as hard,
And I wonder when we fell apart,
Did you ever shed a tear for me?

All our time was wasted,
But we started moving on,
But do you ever stop and think of me when you hear those songs?
Because sometimes I still do,
Sometimes I wonder about you,
And I can’t help but wonder if you wonder about me…

I'm a silly stupid girl...this should make you laugh. haha.

so.....

.....haha.....

I got asked to prom!
I'm very very very excited!
The guy who asked me is very cute and such a sweetheart!
:)

Sooo....

Is it bad that its the first day and I'm already ready for the year to be over? haha. Today Sucked. It was hard. And I'm okay if I never have another day like it again. It seems like Crying in the car on the way home from TAFA is something that I do a lot. Its probably just because I'm tired most of the time. But I hate drama. I hate highschool. And I hate my own selfishness.
On top of everything I've been really discouraged because prom is coming up and I'm so excited, but... I can't help but feel like I'm gonna be on my own in the "group." I mean everyone so far that I know of is going or most likely going with a date (as friends) ...except me. And all these girls tell me that I'm a pretty girl and I have a cute laugh, and heck, even some guys tell me this. Yet I sit here watching all my friends with these guys that like them and that they like and I think to myself "I don't want that or anything to do with it yet" but really I do, and then everyone starts talking about prom...and it just makes me wonder..."Why does no one ask me?" And maybe its because I haven't slept very much, its that time of month, and I haven't had any chocolate in a while...but everytime I think about it my eyes just fill up with tears, and I don't understand. And I don't want to sound like a stupid teenage girl...but I even start to wonder "whats wrong with me?" and I know thats stupid. ANd I know that boys are stupid. But that doesn't make it any less hard.

"Its always times like these I think of you and wonder if you ever think of me"

I start to wonder if I should read more into my dreams, or if I should realize that my mind is just messing with me. Either way, I think I like day dreams better.
I know that it must seem like I talk about boys a whole lot, but since there are only a few girls that read this...its really the only time I can talk about boys. I'm really not boy crazy. I promise. Infact, thats one of the things on the "why Faith is weird" list. (Yes, there is such a thing. I'm not even kidding)
But what it all comes down to is; I don't understand them and they get on my nerves. haha. I mean even some of my best guy friends puzzel me. But I guess you have to love them anyways ;)
The list of engaged people at my church keeps growing. Its only Jan. and I know 5 couples getting married this year. haha. Its very exciting, but a little overwhelming. I mean although I couldn't be happier for my friends and that they finally got their "love story" and that they have great guys that ALMOST deserve them...I can't help think about how things will be so much different now. And I know thats just my selfishness trying to ruin things like it does best, but all of these engagement's don't help me fight for patients. And they even make me feel like I'm losing something. Now don't get me wrong. I'm very excited and I'm even going to be singing at Emily's, and I knew that these days would come...where all my best friends would marry their boy friends and start a family. I just didn't realize it would happen so soon and all of them at once. haha.
And what this post all comes down to is...I started today, and so everything is a big pmsing deal. Don't you just love it?


-Faith :D

I can't decide if I want to post this on Facebook or not...so let me know what you think.

My laughter fills the air,
But there are times that I’d rather tears,
You see me as giggly,
That’s why you don’t get me,
Or understand my seriousness,
And I try to be strong,
And be like Christ,
But that’s just another reason that I’m a failure,
And there are some people that keep taking from me,
And I’m not sure what’s left to give,
But that doesn’t stop them from taking my very heart,
And I know they’ll try to pull it apart,
I’m learning the same lessons again,
And I’m trying so hard to understand,
But I’m getting so tired,
And it gets harder and harder to stand,
I wish I could figure out who really cares,
Who to trust,
And who will disappear,
Because sometimes I feel like no ones there,
And being alone is something that I fear,
And I know I’ll learn to be strong,
And that sometimes I’ll end up wrong,
But I know the pain won’t last for long,
I know this pain won’t last for long.

-Faith

I won't be 15 for much longer...but I know most of these things wont change

I posted this awhile ago, but I edited it some and I like it better now.



--15--







I got stuck feeling the way they told me not to,

I didn’t mean for it to end up this way,

It just ended up this way,

And there’s not much I can say,

I’m just trying to learn from my mistakes,

This life is full of lessons,

And they’ve got to learn to let me clean up my own messes,



(chorus)I’m 15,

And I’m longing for love,

I’m way behind in homework,

But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,

They say "you're still young"

But I'm stubborn and I've already got my mind made up,

But I’ve got to decide on all these choices

Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,

And all I can hear are there voices,

Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,



There are love stories floating around in my head,

And I’m wishing they were my own,

I’m staring at the phone,

I say I don’t want this,

I don’t need this,

I just want to be me,

And then I see you and forget everything,



(chorus)I’m 15,

And I’m longing for love,

I’m way behind in homework,

But living on fast food well it isn’t that tough,

They say "you're still young"

But I'm stubborn and I've already got my mind made up,

But I’ve got to decide on all these choices

Everybody’s got their hearts set on change,

And all I can hear are there voices,

Myself is something that they’re beginning to change,



Well it took me long enough to realize,

And you didn't stop me like I thought you would,

But we’re 15,

And its time for me to go,

These years may seem slow,

But they’re passing by,

And I don’t need another reason to cry,

Something I guess that you’ve realized,

I’m just not like everybody else,



And I’m 15,

I’m not ready for love,

I’ve had my fill of homework,

And as for fast food well I’ve had enough,

They say "you're growing up"

But my minds all jumbled up,

And I’m starting to hate all these choices,

Even though everybody is longing for change,

I want to silence all there voices,

Myself is not something that I’m willing to change,

Something they've got to realize,

I'm just not like everybody else.

I hate it when I don't feel good...yet have no reason why. It seems to be the only time I write a lot though. Nothing happened to me, but I don't feel good. Yes, I could blame it on pms...infact, thats more than likely what it is. But really, my own selfishness makes me want to barf sometimes.
I find myself wondering what I want to do after highschool. I've made plans..somewhat...but I don't really know. For me its not that I don't know what I want to do...its that I want to do everything and I can't choose. Life would be so much easier if God just told me what to do. haha. And I know His will will be done...I just have to figure out what that is.

its late and I have nothing worth any value to say...
sooo- goodnight all

-Faith

sometimes he brings rain on my sunny days...

Its one of those days where thinking about you is like rain on a sunny day,
Why do you rain on my sunny days?
When reality hits, it hits hard,
No matter how many times its hit before,
And there are those songs that I just can’t listen to anymore,
They just make me hurt so much,
Sometimes my stomach still gets that weird feeling,
Its something I used to love,
But I don’t like to remember,
Do you even remember?
I don’t know what to believe,
Not anymore, no not anymore,
And I know sometimes its okay,
And we can still be friends,
But some days it starts to hurt all over again,
I get so sick of crying, but those days it just feels so good,
And I’m done waiting,
I’ve got no more hope for “someday”
But I’m fine,
I just keep living my life one day at a time,
But sometimes he brings rains on my sunny days,