Just call me aunt Faith...

Tomorrow is the big day! My sister is having her baby and we are heading up there around 8am! I'm super super excited! And I'm very excited!

If you could keep my sister, Hannah, in your prayers that would be great!



-Faith

I think...

Someone should comment on something!!!!!!!!!!!

-love always Faith

This is me just being selfish...so don't waste your time reading it.

I find myself lonely. It's Christmas eve...tomorrow is Christmas...only for me it will be just another day. We had out Christmas last week and had planned on going to TN to be with my dads mom on Christmas...although its a hard trip and not much fun at all...I was looking forward to it. Or at least...it was something to do. But because of the ice we could not go. And now I sit here just like I did yesterday lonely, but only because I made myself that way.
For one I'm frustraded at my dad. I like to take walks with my mp3 player to get out of the house and have some time to myself without being locked in my room. He won't let me go by myself...which is kind of the whole point. Its so annoying that he treats me like I'm 5 and won't trust me with anything...but then gets mad at me when I'm finding a way to entertain myself - being silly and laughing with Daivd. He doesn't care to hear what I have to say or about my life...hes just concerned about his theology blog on his laptop, which is a "great ministery"-mom. Well it was great until it became more important than his family (in my opinion)...(which doesn't count for anything)
I could go on about everyone and complain all day. Truth is I just want out of here but there is no where to go....I want a friend right now. I want to wallow but I don't know why. And I'm so sick of feeling that way. I'm pretty sure this is the worst Christmas ever...but wait..."Last time I checked Christmas was about Jesus" -Meh.
Not me.

-selfishly living but praying to be better,
Faith

It's cold

I’m walking down the middle of this street,
And I only wish that I knew where I was going,
I might just turn around and start walking backwards,
Because either way I can’t see where this path is leading,
I’m listening but I can’t hear a thing,
Expect for the sound of my own heart beating,
I looked back feeling like I was being watched,
But to my disappointment I found no one,
It’s cold out here,
My hair is blowing in the wind,
But I won’t go back home, no,
Not until I find a friend,

So I kept on walking,
But only to find,
That I was back where I started,
And running out of time,
I stopped myself,
But the world didn’t stop too,
And even though part of me still didn’t want to be alone,
I told myself to go on home.

I've got an "I <3 ?" written on the back of my hand...

I'm not mad at anyone or hating boys or anything...this just came to me. haha. I'm weird, I know.


--watch me walk away--

Don’t just tell me the things I want to hear,
Don’t tell me that you will always be there,
Because they’re all lies,
All just lies,

Don’t tell me that you’ll catch me,
Or that you really love me,
Because they’re all lies,
All just lies,

Don’t tell me I’m the one,
And that you’ve always known
Because I don’t want to hear your lies anymore,

I used to be so sure,
You really had me fooled,
And you say you want to hold me,
You say you want to kiss me,
But then you change your mind,
And don’t want me anymore,
So watch me walk away,
I’m closing my hearts door,
And picking all the broken pieces up off the floor,

So just don’t tell me anything,
I’m so sick of all your words,
The more you say the less I can take,
And I’m done,
Watch me walk away,

All it takes is a song

I feel,
I dream,
But I don’t decide,
I lay awake with my wondering thoughts,
And sometimes I cry,
But the covers help me hide,
I’m trying to move on,
But all it takes is a song,

So many tears,
And if He didn’t catch them all in a bottle,
I’m sure that we’d all drown,

Another year has gone away,
So much has changed,
Yet I still stand here in the same place,
And I still long to be held by someone who will never let go,
But when will he find me?
Sometimes time seems so slow,

Day by day,
Someone always has something to say,
And behind the smile on my mouth,
There are words that will never come out,
Yes, I’ve found a state of mind where I’m speechless,
And some things are all wrong,
But I don’t change them much,
Cause like I said -all it takes is a song

The wind against the leafs go "crunch crunch crunch"

As I lie here in my bed tonight,
I’m secretly waiting for someone to come,
I hold on to this hope although I don’t know who it will be,
I hear the wind against the leafs outside -they go “crunch crunch crunch”
I wonder if they’re footsteps,
Oh for so long I’ve been waiting,
I start to wonder if it really could be happening,
Is he finally coming?
But yet again I realize to myself,
This dream is still just a dream,
And the only thing I hear outside is wind against the leafs,
I tell myself “just go to sleep”
Maybe this dream if for another night,
But these thoughts still lingering don’t die down for quite sometime,
It’s dark, it’s cold, and I am still alone,
But patiently again I wait.




Working with symbolizm gets to you....lol

-Faith

Its changing for the better finally...mostly.

So all these stupid feelings that I've had about this guy are better now. We finally talked...he messaged me. And I was like praying that he would. I mean we always said no matter what we'd still be friends...but I felt like he didn't want anything to do with me. And then I started thinging...if that part was crap, what else that he said was crap? and that hurt. But it turns out that he though I didn't want anything to do with him and he didn't want to try to talk to me if I didn't want him. He is a sweet guy. I never told yall that. We had both been hurting so much, and now that we talked about it we really can have some kind of friendship now. Yes, its going to be hard to guard my heart. Because of course there are still feelings...and plans/day dreams I remember. But I'm finally getting to that place where its okay...I mean I can see all the other guys around me, and although I don't want anything more than friendship, I know that thinking I couldn't see myself with another guy was stupid. Although I still have some feelings for him, I can see how wrong "us" was. So much doesn't work between us. Hes a good guy though.

I have a duet to sing tomro. I'm so disappointed because I can hardly talk because I'm still sick. I had never been more excited about singing! and now I doubt I'll be able to. I'm really sad. I'm praying that by some chance the Lord will give me my voice back tomro...but I don't know. I just hope either way He'll be glorified.

I'm gonna head to bed!
goodnight! :)

Things are so up and down...

if you are reading these you probably hate me. haha. I wish "get over it" was as easy done as it is to say. Its so weird how one message that you've actually been praying for can change so many things. Its so weird that not knowing how someone feels can totally change the way you feel when you find out what that person feels.
Girls are so stupid and annoying. I hate clicks and drama. Actually I hate when all people are stupid and say stupid things. It doesn't matter if you are a girl or a boy. haha.
I don't mean to sound like I'm never stupid...because I have my moments. (A lot)
But it seems to me if we were all just a little less stupid...life would be easier. I don't think people realize how their stupidness affects the other people around them. I mean, this is something I have to watch as well. I tend to ramble about nothing for a long time...weird.

The TAFA showcase was awesome. I know I say this every year, but this year was the best so far. And I can't wait till may...i'll be doing 5 dances! (at least!!!) <3
It was on Tuesday night, and a ton of people I love came to see me! it was greatness! Then I went to Ci Ci's (worst food ever) but I still had a ton of fun because I got to hang out with all my friends.

Its hard right now though...because at tafa all the sudden I don't know who my real friends are. All of my "best friends" are not really there anymore. And that sucks. And I don't know what happend. Everyone keeps leaving....ouch. Whats wrong with me? ..I start to wonder. And then I just have to push on, keep going, and remember God is in control and I can only try.

-Faith

Some say these are the hardest days of my life...

Others say it only gets harder. Although I would much rather believe the first one-I still find myself fearing "it only gets harder." Either way I find myself in tears and always praying. I start to feel guilty sometimes...like I ask too much of God. But praying to Him so much beings me closer to Him. I start feeling like there is no one there. I mean, I know I am not perfect, but I feel like I try really hard to be there for my friends, but then when I can't be the strong one anymore....everyone's too busy to have time for me. Now of course there are people that are there for me, and would happily come aid me if they had the chance. But most don't have an opertunity. Before I go on I have to explain - for months really I've been longing to just have someone to cry with. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. But the few times there was someone there I just couldn't let myself break down. So of all times guess when I couldn't hold it in any longer? Tuesday morning at my 9a-1p practice at tafa. So much stupid drama with friends and having to see "him" way too much two days stait. I felt myself breaking down...I needed to cry...I wanted to cry. I went to the bathroom ...the tears would not come. I went to sit where I was supposed to be and my friend Caitlin sat by me...I leaned over, hid my face, and started to cry. She started to rub my back and the tears just came down. I felt so stupid just because I knew people could see me...I tried my best to hid my face, but a few people did ask questions. If it were up to me I would have sat there and cried on her for a lot longer, but I didn't feel like explaining myself to the other people asking questions so I stopped. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't know what to feel. And I'm so sick of crying and not knowing why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know what to do about it. And its all just so confusing because we agreed to be friends, but we never talk, and I don't know if he even wants me to talk to him, and I don't know if I should ask him. Its so hard. Last night after showcase I was sitting at a table between two guys and I saw him over there...we met eye contact so I'd like to think he was looking at me...but then I felt so guilty. And I wonder if he thinks that I feel fine about all of this. I wish he knew how hard it was for me. All day long I've just been wishing he would message me on facebook or something. I just want to know whats going through his head. Should I stop trying to talk to him? or should I try harder? and I try to have a "whatever" attitude about it, but I just can't. Its not my personality. I try to just let it go, but I need to know. And then at the end of the night this girl was talking about how her and a few other girls were talking about how this other guy likes me and I was like "no! stop" and I just wanted to cry. WHY do people have to mess things up? I don't want people to start talking about some guy liking me! hes one of my friends and I enjoy being around him and I don't want people to feakin mess that up. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE! and I don't know how much longer I can freakin be around them. And I'm so blessed and I have a great like and great friends and showcase was AWESOME and I've been having so much fun with people. But its just still so hard. And its hard to not know which friends are real and which ones don't care. And its hard when you have to go places were you know you don't have any girl friends and you are pmsing. And its hard when people tell you that you should just not have guy friends at all because there will always be drama WHEN THATS ALL YOU HAVE at some places. I mean I can't control who God puts in my life and who He takes away. At church I have NO girls friends my age. They are all guys. And for people to tell me thats wrong makes me mad. Even though I love them sometimes I hate it that its like that. Its hard to always be the only girl in the group! And its all so hard and no one understands and I can't explain myself. My dad is just mean sometimes ...and I know i'm a teenager and every teenager doesn't like their parents. But I'm not like that. I love my parents...but my dad just asks like he doesn't care a whole lot and so when he does act like he cares its so condisending. And I'm SO SO SO sick of mixed messages and not knowing. And I'm such a girl. And I'm sick right now on top of everything. I have to sing in choir on Friday and Sunday and I can hardly talk. I have class tomro morning and I can hardly breath and I feel awful and I can't stop crying. And people want to know whats wrong with me AND I don't know!!! I have everything. But it hurts. It hurts and its hard. And I'm so tired of hard. And I'm sick of hurting. And I pray and I sing and I dance to God and I ask Him to give me strength, but sometimes I still feel so alone. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want the only time I'm happy to be when I'm destracted from the pain. I don't want to feel bad or fight apathy.

-Faith

It still hurts, and I hate it

I want and try to be strong...but I'm not. I have to fight apathy all day, and everytime I see him I just want to cry. It sucks. I miss talking to him and his friendship, but these feelings won't go away. I want my emotions and dreams to catch up with reality. I have such a good life...so I hate feeling this way. I looked really hott tonight though when I saw him. haha.


This is for a friend- shes having a tough time right now :(
i write what I feel and also what I see other people feeling...and on that note-


I’m sad,
I’m empty and broken,
Someone please hold me,
But only if you won’t ever let go,
These tears keep falling,
Will there ever be an end?
I’m living,
But I can’t feel the days I’m in,
Too much has happened,
Too much time wasted,
How can I forgive?
How can I be patient?
So many words,
Now I don’t know which were actually real,
Don’t know who to believe, who to trust,
Don’t know what to feel,
Wishing I could forget,
But at the same time wishing things could have stayed at the same pace,
What if things had never changed?
But its time to move on,
To keep living my life,
But sometimes it’s hard and I have to let myself break.


--dec. 5th--

I wake up every morning,
Reminded again,
Praying my dreams catch up with reality,
And I can see that laziness is the same as apathy,
That’s the war inside I’ve been fighting,
Now everyone around me is trying to tell me how to live,
And what to feel,
“Just leave me alone”
I try to shut out the world,
But I’m scared to be alone,
I want someone to hold me and never let me go,
I’m trying so hard to forget,
But everything reminds me,
And you make it look so easy to move on,
I’m sick of and tired of mixed messages,
I’m not that kind of girl that sits and plays the guessing game,
I’m going back to what I know,
Going forward with what I’ve learned from you,
And I know its gonna be hard to leave you behind,
But I’m done not being strong enough,


--dec. 6th--

I’m being held up so high on such a breakable thread,
I needed to hear so many things that were left unsaid,
I’m lost but I’m hopeful,
I’m stubborn and wrong,
And I’m hardly wining in the war against apathy,
I’m not sick but I don’t feel good,
But there is so much pressure to be strong and always act happily,
I can’t let the world see,
They just wouldn’t understand,
And I will not change myself,
Won’t someone take me as I am?
I try so hard to be good enough,
But I never come close,
Now its time to grow up,
Move on,
And keep living my life,
Just hope my emotions and dreams catch up with reality soon





-they are kinda the same.
Faith

Boys are stupid...

Sometimes I start shaking and can't stop and then I get a really bad headache. This means that I have been crying to much, and then my mothers pushes a pill down my throat.
...yeah, its been a hard last few days. haha. I would explain it all to you, but I wouldn't know where to start, or what to put in the middle, or even how to end it. My english teacher has us start each essay out with a UTS (Universal theme statement) My life's UTS for this week is "Boys are stupid, and few are worthy and mature enough for my friendship. Although many are encouraging brothers in Christ-even more are stupid." How do you think my teacher would react if I started an essay out that why? lol. Its been hard because everything is just on top of everything else. You see, with my stubborn personality, I hate feeling things that I don't want to feel. Plus I feel like I have to be strong all the time for everyone around me. "Faith, you haven't been yourself lately." Everyone - EVERYONE freaks out if I'm "not okay" for a few days. I mean, I guess I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I'm hurting. I'll work on that?....So yeah, just keep me in your prayers and I love you all.

"You are my hiding place, and I will trust in You"

-Faithy