Others say it only gets harder. Although I would much rather believe the first one-I still find myself fearing "it only gets harder." Either way I find myself in tears and always praying. I start to feel guilty sometimes...like I ask too much of God. But praying to Him so much beings me closer to Him. I start feeling like there is no one there. I mean, I know I am not perfect, but I feel like I try really hard to be there for my friends, but then when I can't be the strong one anymore....everyone's too busy to have time for me. Now of course there are people that are there for me, and would happily come aid me if they had the chance. But most don't have an opertunity. Before I go on I have to explain - for months really I've been longing to just have someone to cry with. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. But the few times there was someone there I just couldn't let myself break down. So of all times guess when I couldn't hold it in any longer? Tuesday morning at my 9a-1p practice at tafa. So much stupid drama with friends and having to see "him" way too much two days stait. I felt myself breaking down...I needed to cry...I wanted to cry. I went to the bathroom ...the tears would not come. I went to sit where I was supposed to be and my friend Caitlin sat by me...I leaned over, hid my face, and started to cry. She started to rub my back and the tears just came down. I felt so stupid just because I knew people could see me...I tried my best to hid my face, but a few people did ask questions. If it were up to me I would have sat there and cried on her for a lot longer, but I didn't feel like explaining myself to the other people asking questions so I stopped. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't know what to feel. And I'm so sick of crying and not knowing why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know what to do about it. And its all just so confusing because we agreed to be friends, but we never talk, and I don't know if he even wants me to talk to him, and I don't know if I should ask him. Its so hard. Last night after showcase I was sitting at a table between two guys and I saw him over there...we met eye contact so I'd like to think he was looking at me...but then I felt so guilty. And I wonder if he thinks that I feel fine about all of this. I wish he knew how hard it was for me. All day long I've just been wishing he would message me on facebook or something. I just want to know whats going through his head. Should I stop trying to talk to him? or should I try harder? and I try to have a "whatever" attitude about it, but I just can't. Its not my personality. I try to just let it go, but I need to know. And then at the end of the night this girl was talking about how her and a few other girls were talking about how this other guy likes me and I was like "no! stop" and I just wanted to cry. WHY do people have to mess things up? I don't want people to start talking about some guy liking me! hes one of my friends and I enjoy being around him and I don't want people to feakin mess that up. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE! and I don't know how much longer I can freakin be around them. And I'm so blessed and I have a great like and great friends and showcase was AWESOME and I've been having so much fun with people. But its just still so hard. And its hard to not know which friends are real and which ones don't care. And its hard when you have to go places were you know you don't have any girl friends and you are pmsing. And its hard when people tell you that you should just not have guy friends at all because there will always be drama WHEN THATS ALL YOU HAVE at some places. I mean I can't control who God puts in my life and who He takes away. At church I have NO girls friends my age. They are all guys. And for people to tell me thats wrong makes me mad. Even though I love them sometimes I hate it that its like that. Its hard to always be the only girl in the group! And its all so hard and no one understands and I can't explain myself. My dad is just mean sometimes ...and I know i'm a teenager and every teenager doesn't like their parents. But I'm not like that. I love my parents...but my dad just asks like he doesn't care a whole lot and so when he does act like he cares its so condisending. And I'm SO SO SO sick of mixed messages and not knowing. And I'm such a girl. And I'm sick right now on top of everything. I have to sing in choir on Friday and Sunday and I can hardly talk. I have class tomro morning and I can hardly breath and I feel awful and I can't stop crying. And people want to know whats wrong with me AND I don't know!!! I have everything. But it hurts. It hurts and its hard. And I'm so tired of hard. And I'm sick of hurting. And I pray and I sing and I dance to God and I ask Him to give me strength, but sometimes I still feel so alone. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want the only time I'm happy to be when I'm destracted from the pain. I don't want to feel bad or fight apathy.
-Faith
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